I’m replaying the previous day like a movie reel on crack precariously balanced on the edge of the bed halfway between sober and two sheets in the wind. Replaying previous conversations and one eye checking on the tater tot to see if he’s Started to wake. I’ve become good at this multi tasking thing in case you haven’t noticed, but that’s besides the point. Definitely still nursing a headache from last nights event. The energy of the room still worn like your favorite jersey jacket. Cats, the club I play at every Friday was packed last night, it’s pretty much been a full house every Friday since the band had their debut several months ago, actually now that I think about it it was about the same time those women with the defining auras showed up. Always dressed in business suits ordering a dirty martini for the tall ogreish strawberry blond and a whisky neat for the long hair Carmel skinned beauty. Always gone before I had a chance to make it through the throngs of the crowd to gather further information so I’d never gotten names, but both had successfully managed to catch my eye and also had never missed a set. Beauty and The Beast I’d named them affectionately. It seemed the crowd never tired of the band’s rollercoaster of a repertoire playing low key crowd favorites like D’angelos Brown Sugar and personal snapshots of emotions that were my originals, nevertheless they’d keep coming back for more. I can picture the stage vividly in my mind having an out of body experience while I watched my self shredding on drums hands flying faster over the cymbals of my hybrid acoustic kit than what seemed human possibly. We took a short break halfway through and switch up the vibe giving folks time to stretch their legs and take a quick smoke break so they wouldn’t miss too much. When Shari the bands vocalist originally posed the idea, we had not immediately agreed thinking the the vibes would not recover from downtime between the sets but boy had we been wrong. It seems are sets are so enrapturing that folks are timid to even break for the restroom between songs making the break between sets monumental. In fact it was on one of these breaks I’d first noticed the Beauty and The Beast; casually leaning against one of the bars high top tables sipping their drinks eyeing the crowd with the concentration of assassins taking everything in. Calculated. Disciplined. Still high on the power of the first set I ordered my drink and hit the restrooms before the second set grabbing my drink on the way back to the stage. Arranging myself behind the lead mic while our versatile singer hoped on percussion I took in the audience’s mood and low rumbling chatter, all which came to attention once the lights dimmed and the soft caress of the synth arpeggios floated out above the crowd. A soft driving beat from the cajon quickly melded with the synth to create the trancelike backdrop for my newest song Sultress. I open my mouth and let the vibrations take me away harmonizing with the guitar, emphasis in sync with the melodic bass lines. I opened my eyes to gauge the response of the room hoping that the message was being well received. What I gathered was overwhelming the sway of the crowd automatic; the view like that of waves cresting over the shore. Eyes did not stare back at me rather souls searching, yearning to be fed; our music the nourishment. The melodies an assortment of well seasoned veggies complimented by the protein that was the lyrics. Leaving you fully sated. We ended the set with a familiar tune the audience singing and humming along, nodding to the upbeat rhythm. I glanced out over the heads of seated patrons the two suits had left but their energy still hovers over the area they just occupied impenetrable, no one takes the chairs they stood near instead giving them a wide berth as they navigate the intimate club. I packed up, chatted quickly with the band about a rehearsal schedule and headed out. I remember as I left Something was tugging at the fringes of my memory a thought forgotten and unretrievable. Burning a hole in my brain. I shook it off and made my way to the car knowing we had a long week a head of us next weeks show was gonna be a big one. Rumor was scouts were coming to sign a deal. I woke with a jolt not realizing I had even dozed off again. I checked the alarm on the bedside clock 3:15 there was light blasting through the curtains so it had to be daytime. Strangely enough I’d slept most of the day away, something that would normally never happen. Stretching I got up and padded to the bathroom that branched off the master bedroom and splash some water on my face trying to reorient myself. As I looked in the mirror the image that stared back at me caught my attention. I looked younger, there was a light in my eyes the which I hadn’t seen in years. I guess music was a good a medicine as any, and seeing as most of my days were consumed with either writing, editing , or listening to it that must be what the strange glow was. Either that or something weird was doing and I wasn’t about to let my mind trip off the possibilities, cause God only knows where that rollercoaster would end.

Quick pinch me before it’s too late,

before I open the door and meet lady fate.

This one time I’ll settle for missing the date,

if it saves me From being shackled by your taste.

prisoner to your lilt;

lust awakened by the slight tilt

of your head

when you’re a little unsure

of whether my intentions are to bed you, or wed you.

The thoughts going through my head…you would be ashamed, to know the sinful pleasures of you I do adore

the feeling I get from hearing my name

on your tongue,

like a person of fame,

I own you as society is to media’s dame.

You play it down but baby I need for you not to tame

the shivers and chills that complement my game.

Straight no chaser,

pure beautiful bliss,

inhibition-less, sensations

multiplied when I add my self to your divide,

and find euphoria divine.

Words can not define,

The phrase “a glutton for you”,

does not justice do.

So do continue to say my name,

do make me cocky praise my game,

do discover the places on my body you make wetter than rain,

continue to make me dance on the fringes of sane,

do try to hide the smiles,

the blushes,

the rush of your blood from my touch.

Do this in remembrance of me,

when I am no longer near.

Do relinquish control

save me the window seat to your soul.

Do know that the others fighting for your attention takes it’s toll.

Do take this as a hint.

DO make me relevant.

I body jumped through the crowd surfing on the invisible notes coming off the 4 piece band in waves. They commanded the stage but my eyes were closed. My body in a catatonic trance as I swayed to the rhythms stimulating my mind. My hands writhed in and out of each other, if you didn’t know any better I might appear anxious but I was not in fact I felt as though this were the only places I’d ever belong. A bodyless ether traveling through the skins of others experiences and thoughts as I fell in and out of a consciousness one might think important while in public. It didn’t matter to me though, no matter the settings, my mind was always at ease when there was music playing. A movement to my left… I peeked through hooded eyes, just the waitress clearing my plate. Oddly enough I don’t even remember the food much. I’ve developed a bad habit of inhaling my meals always ever ready to fall into the experience that takes me away from this earth every time. I settled into a groove dancing with the music that had developed more of a spine- different from the airy apparitions that we’re just previously cast. The notes all seemingly out of place yet creating a solid sound as a whole. I moved my feet against the pedals as I felt myself fall into the skin of the drummer. A samba like rhythm causing me to rock right to left as if I walked with a slight limp due to hip problems. My hands tightened around the invisible sticks and swung in time tapping out a message on the cymbals. I always stayed too long in the rhythm section, I could never quite tear myself away from it . But nevertheless my new dance partner waltzed right up and grabbed me by the waist fingers hop, skip, and jumping across the ivories. I knew I had the lopsided have grin on my face the energy of the pianist was always quirky to me. I felt myself pulled through the strings resonance and walked my way right on up the neck of the double bass. The blues unmistakable it it’s sunday after dinner vibe where I’d dance the night and the calories away. Falling back into myself I notice the drop in temperature I should’ve worn a sweater, I have goose bumps all the way up my arms although I’m not sure if it’s from my full spectrum experience or the chill. Could be both I suppose. I look around now fully aware that the crowd has dawdled down to a few true jazz fans and the scragglers wandering in out of curiosity of the strong back beat pulsating from the second floor of the listening club. I gather my things and stand up to exit without a second glance back. I know where to find you.

The following post is an excerpt from a book idea I’m playing around with. Enjoy

The slotted bamboo of the shower floors felt amazing under my feet. Thankful that I wasn’t standing in puddles of someone else’s hair and sweat I let the water assault my body from all directions. It worked wonders for my newly sore muscles thanks to the zealous workout I just underwent. High intensity interval training was my latest venture on my weight loss journey. I had my eyes closed with my face turned up to the over head shower when I felt the presence of someone watching me. The bathroom in the gym was connected to the shower so I was used to people coming in and out and usually tried to keep my shower time down to 7 mins to allow others to use the facilities but it was a small class today and almost everyone left without showers after the late night class. I had just worked a double and came straight over with a coworker that asked if she could join me in my workout. I was determined to get my recruiter shirt so I did everything in my power to convince her to join. I was exfoliating my body with my brown sugar oatmeal scrub when I couldn’t take it anymore. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and rinsed my face so I could see who my audience was. I turned around and locked eyes my coworker Mahkia, she was in a towel but it did nothing to hide the soft curves of her voluptuous body. “I just have to wash my hair and I’ll be right out” I called over the wooden swing doors. “That’s cool me too” she replied, “take your time I’m not in a rush”. We caught a Uber here and would Uber to our cribs after since they weren’t too far from each other. I started to lather my hair with the hemp shampoo they provided at the gym when I heard the wooden door open. I looked back with squinted eyes trying not to get soap in them, “guess you didn’t feel like waiting” I asked. She laughed “there’s more than enough room for the both of us in here” this was true. You could probably fit about 5 people in this shower the gym membership was pricey and the amenities were nowhere lacking in its defense. Now with Mahkia in the roomey shower with me I sat on the wooden bench and started to wash up a second time wanting to admire her physique. Mahkia had the kind of body that didn’t need the gym but with the gym put her in the league of unattainable.

I’d be lying if I said I never wondered what she looked like outside of work. Her back was to me and the muscles in her shoulders moved like silk beneath her skin flexing as she pulled her hair up into a pony tail, to squeeze out the soap. She’d missed a few tendrils and I wanted nothing more than to trace their outline down her back. The shampoo fell and when she bent to pick it up I almost lost my shit. The rounded curve of her ass causes me to let out a soft moan of approval that came from deep in my chest and she turned to look at me with a raised eyebrow. “You ok”she giggled. Mahkia was always laughing, she had one of those infectious laughs were you couldn’t help but smile when you heard it. “Yeah” I said goofy smile plastered across my face as I got up to rinse my sud covered body. “Your legs probably look amazing in heels I tell her” she chuckled “yeah I’d have to say they do”. This was our first time working out together but I noticed she focused a lot on the lunges, squats, and rowing, must be how she kept her legs and ass so tight. “You have to give me your regimen so I can keep up” she looked at me coyly “I’m sure you’d have no problem keeping up, squeeze me out some more shampoo would you” she replied while turning to face me. “My hands are all slippery” “ yeah I bet that’s not all that’s slippery” I thought to myself trying not to stare at her large breast and taught nipples begging to be put in my mouth. Despite my efforts she caught me looking even though she didn’t say anything, I knew she must be enjoying the attention. She turned back around to face the jet coming out of the wall and started working the conditioner into her long black trusses and before I could stop myself I gently pressed up behind her, feeling Mahkia’s body back into mine I knew she had accepted the contact. I grabbed her waist and closed the gap between us breathing the soft almond scent of the conditioner. My lips made their way to her neck where I began to tease her flesh with my teeth and tongue. I didn’t mind the soap dripping down her neck I just wanted to be closer to her. I ran my hands up the front of her body through her hair pausing to give her breast a light squeeze. I began running my fingers through her jet black curls rinsing out the remainder of the conditioner . Mahkia tried to trap a moan in her throat but I had heard it. She must like when you play in her hair. I knew then and there I was taking what I fantasied about so many times before. With the last of the shampoo running down the drain I leaned down to whisper in her ear, lips brushing against her seductively I asked “have you ever been with a girl before” to which she answered “yes, but never a woman.”

She turned around slowly careful not to break the contact between our bodies and wrapped her arms around my neck gently pushing me backwards until I could feel the wood of the bench at the back of my legs. I initiated a kiss and to my surprised she deepened it, pushing me down onto the bench and straddling me. The pound of the water on my back and throbbing of her pussy against my abdomen was almost too much. My head was reeling with sensation, my mind raced at the possibilities of what could happen between us. I broke our kiss and dipped my head to take her nipple into my mouth, Mahkia slid her hands up my arms and into my hair. My skin tingled in the places where our bodies met. With Mahkia’s legs around me in a grip that said don’t ever let me go I stood up and turned to place her on the bench as I dropped to my knees tracing the flow of water down her stomach to her center. Slippery indeed, I chuckled in satisfaction tightening my lips around her clit, her back arched taking the invitation I slid my tongue deep into her folds, her guttural Moans confirming that she was enjoying this just as much as I was. The bass heavy workout music was faintly playing behind the sounds of the water and our pleasure but still I hummed to myself Jill Scott’s Crown Royal. The vibration of my lips reverberated through her clit. Her body moved rhythmically as if she new the exact tune that was barely audible even to me. My fingers joined my mouth bringing her to orgasm as I continued to suck the nectar from deep within her. When my tongue and fingers finally stopped their assault her body sagged against the powerful jets eyes heavy with fatigue she looked down at me with a sated look and asked “what have we gotten ourselves into” I didn’t know the answers at the time but I haven’t been able to sleep without replaying the moments in my mind.

Somethings wrong Theos whining to go outside and never whines this early. I glance at the time, the brightness is up way to high, it’s 6:07 Theo usually waits till about 10 or 11 before he starts his whole potty regimen. Anywho he’s yanked me out of a crazy dream which I can’t remember all I know is I was drenched in sweat and couldn’t feel or move my body, Its a task in itself but I let my arm fall off the side of the bed and felt his little tongue licking my hand. I stand at a whopping 5’1 but it’s evident that I’ve outgrown my childhood mattress as the soles of my feet come into contact with the slate gray-blue wall that frames the foot of my bed. I pet him to see if he was just wanting some attention or really wanted to go out as I regained feeling in the rest of my body. I throw off my weighted blanket and sit up in bed grasping my bearings on what should be familiar surroundings. I’m the first one up so I disarm the house and let him lead the way to the front door, he’s on alert ears perked up, body ridged, tail pointing. All of his attention on a pickup truck that had just come into view slowly turning onto our street. I couldn’t make out the business label on the side as I didn’t grab my glasses and my eyes hadn’t adjusted until it was directly in front of the house. “Res” I read aloud as he followed the truck down the road with his nose. I think to myself am I back in the matrix again with my only way out being this otherwise unmarked vehicle who’s name teases at the word rescue. I had similar delusions at the peak of my breakdown a year ago just before being diagnosed. My body tenses in anticipation and I take a step forward wondering if I should sprint to my getaway car or casually stroll when my attention is jerked away from my only chances of freedom by an awful stench. I guess it warranted more attention than the truck because now Theo’s sniffing around exactly where my next step would’ve been. I bend to closer examine the headless, limbless, numb of some otherwise unidentifiable and lifeless creature my cat must have made his new play thing while I was asleep. Making a mental note(which I’ll probably forget) to dispose of him or him later. I turn my attention back to the truck just in time to see the brake lights disappear around the bend. Snapped back into what I hope was reality this time I wait while Theo finds a blade of grass worthy of a drop of his sacred tinkle and still half asleep drag myself back to my room, pop the antipsychotics the doc prescribed; trying to ward of the headache of hyper-thought my brain is on the fringes of, and try to find my way back to dreamland. I guess I won’t find freedom today.

Do you want more? Tell me what you want more of, perhaps a more in-depth explanation of the symptoms depicted in my short stories, more details, longer stories, more post. Follow the blog if so. Drop a comment too. Questions? All are welcome Diary of a Schizo has just begun her journey and would love to hear from you along the way.

I’m working and one of my female employees has been low energy and complaining of cramps. I put her on light duty because I understand the struggle. Halfway into the shift she tells me she has to run to cvs, lady emergency. Of course I oblige. Now she returns with a bag of feminine products and has just come out of the bathroom smelling rather fresh. Me being me I do the math, you know, put two and two together. She left one way and came back another so I lean into her close and say “ I don’t mean to sound strange, but are your pads scented. You smell very nice now”. Needless to say she looks at me and burst into laughter I guess my math was off. She assured me it was not her pad but her perfume she sprayed in the bathroom that smelled so divine. Good thing I’m comfy in my awkwardness

It’s 3am and I’m wide awake per usual. I blink my eyes to adjust to the darkness in my room, sit up in bed and slide to the edge of my twin sized mattress. Standing up I’m careful not to step on Theodore, my 9 year old Bichon Pekingese mix. I can hear him stretching ready to follow me wherever my sleep deprived body take us. The kitchen it is. I pull out a stool grab an apple, shine it on my shirt and take a bite. My mind doesn’t need time to gear up it’s already in full on gear grinder mode. I’m hoping it settles down soon as I’d like to get a few hours of sleep before work later on today. I finish my apple and toss the core on my way back to my room. Tucked back under my weighted blanket with the fan on its highest setting I close my eyes while a haunting melody develops in my head. Of course my brain would want to write a song right now. Let it have been a Saturday evening, with nothing to do and I’d have not even an ounce of creative voltage. I play along, and let it take me away. The melody a chorus of frantic strings plucking out a staccato rhythm over a plush layer of synthesized chords. 808 drops timed with the deadly precision of a heat seaking missile punctuate the conversation between the high ends. A voice carries over it all weaving in and out of the highs and lows in a language that I’ve either never heard before or doesn’t exist. Either way it’s beautiful, a serene soundscape to compliment my sleepless state. I grab my phone and open my tune sketch app and perfectly on cue the music stops. There’s no use trying to remember that song, when it’s gone it’s gone. It’s always been this way. So I check my alarms and pull the blanket up over my head and down across my eyes resembling a low hanging everyday hoodie. The faint traces of the tune echo somewhere unreachable outside my mental canvas, I close my eyes and imagine a blank screen no matter the images that try to push in. My breathing slows and sleep begins to take me away. “When it comes again I’ll be ready” was the last thing I thought to myself before I was awakened by the sun slipping in through the blinds.

Do you daydream in color with full surround sound blaring, lost in the details of a dimension mere hairs from our own. Well I do. Diagnosed with Schizoaffetive Disorder Bipolar type at age 26 I thought my word had been turned upside down, but also had an explanation to the abnormalities I’d experienced in life. Determined to make the best of this experience I put my creative energies to the test, constructing lenses that would allow you to view the world as I do. Looking at me you might not suspect a thing, as I’ve found outlets through reading, writing, music and the likings to battle the tumultuous twist and turns living with SZA throws at me daily. Through short stories the likes a Diary entries I challenge you to put on the glasses and see what I see.